1. Can I mention in my profile that I would like to have children?
Yes, of course you can – in a direct fashion, in a more creative way, or maybe just by hinting at it on your ‘About me’ page.
“What my prospective partner should know about me … She should know that I’m pretty much sorted (job, money, attitude to life) and that I’m now looking for a long-term relationship – the future, the house, the children”
“I wish I could … build snowmen in my own garden with my own family.”
“I wish I could … watch my children grow up into happy adults … and now I’d like to see what you look like.”
If you try and put things into some kind of code, you risk being misunderstood (for instance, it might not be clear whether you already have children or whether you would like to have them). You should also make sure you don’t end up sounding demanding or desperate - raising the subject of children too often or too emphatically might suggest that. After all, there is more to you - and a potential relationship - than your wish to have children.
2. If I mention my wish to have a family, don’t I risk scaring some potential partners off?
It does flag things up to people. Anybody who is sure they don’t want children probably won’t get in touch with you -- which in a sense is what you want. “But you also run the risk of putting off people who are not sure whether they want a family,” advises PARSHIP psychologist Nicole Schiller. “Some people will become anxious at the thought of having to commit on this matter and assume a new responsibility.” But if you find a suitable way of expressing your hopes, it can open the way to some interesting possibilities.
Of course, there are instances of people who’ve never liked the idea of a family who change their tune as soon as they find out they are due to become a mother or father. You would miss out on people like that, though that kind of change of heart cannot be safely predicted. You need to consider whether you only want to meet people who are counting on starting a family, or whether you want to spread your net a little wider.
3. When is the best time to raise the issue of children?
At some point during the process of getting to know each other – it’s up to you to decide exactly when, but it is better not to write an initial mail which says: “I would like a child of my own. If you feel the same, then I look forward to hearing from you.” This could give the impression that all you are interested in is perpetuating the human race! “Think about it this way,” says Nicole Schiller, “If you met someone at a party, you wouldn’t say: “Thank you for your mobile number – but I think you should know that I want a child.” Your first date or the first time you sleep together are sensitive moments, times when you will talk about a lot – but perhaps not ideal moments to discuss starting a family and which of you should stop working to look after the baby.
You should wait until your email contact becomes quite intense, until a second date, or until a time when you feel the two of you could be getting serious about a relationship: it’s a matter of when feels right for you. The more strongly you feel about the matter, the sooner you should talk about it, especially if the other person has indicated in their profile that they feel similarly about things. But don’t come out with some kind of ready-made scenario for your family life – the other person might not like the idea of being presented with a fait accompli.
4. What do I need to look out for in a potential partner?
First and foremost, don’t rush things and make sure to base your important judgements on personal contact. Be open to possibilities: there is no reason a woman in her late 30s should reject out of hand the idea of having a child with a man who is ten years younger. Someone who already has children might not like the idea of extending his or her family, but he or she could still be far better suited to you and to your dreams than someone else who comes with no strings attached. And these days, someone who is focused on their career might well be ready to change their thinking – and their lifestyle – to accommodate new personal responsibilities.
If you have had a negative experience with a divorced man or woman, that doesn’t mean you should avoid all other divorcees from now on. For your part, don’t put pressure on someone when it comes to the possibility of future parenthood, and think carefully and realistically about the kind of people you want to get to know: for instance, if, as a woman, you tend to go for men reluctant to commit, you should think about developing an interest in men more cut out for family life.
5. What if I fall in love with someone who avoids the subject of children or who is unsure about the matter?
If, as yet at least, you are childless, don’t make your partner responsible for the situation, and it is ultimately for you to decide whether there is long-term mileage in your relationship. Think about it this way: can you imagine your life without a child? Would it help to discuss things with your partner? Why exactly is he or she reluctant to have children?
Some people think that everything has to be perfectly prepared if they are thinking of bringing a child into the world. But it doesn’t have to be a matter of a nice house and garden with a sensible car in the garage. As PARSHIP psychologist Nicole Schiller explains, in some senses it can seem as though the time and the place are never exactly right.” What matters is that both of you should have made the decision to have a child. For a woman to act unilaterally in getting herself pregnant would represent a breach of her partner’s trust. “If you find yourself thinking ‘I want a child, no matter what’, it’s time to take a step back and consider the situation as objectively as you can,” suggests Schiller.
6. What if my partner is in favour of having a child, but would prefer to wait a little?
It is wonderful to find someone who, like you, would like to have children, but you should remember that very few couples move on to parenthood in the relatively early stages of a relationship. It makes practical sense to wait until a relationship has stabilised. The two of you should agree on a time to make your next decisions about children – maybe give yourself six months.
Give yourselves time to think things through. Do you want to have a child with this person? But you can’t keep the other person hanging on a string. A man whose partner is around the age of 40 should try to be particularly understanding if she wants clarity on the situation and would like a baby sooner rather than later. The ticking of her biological clock is not going too much louder within a defined period of time, and if you both have come to a mutual understanding it bodes well for a better future as parents.