Taking responsibility for your actions
32-year-old Danielle’s first date with Alex (34) went further than she expected. “We had a lovely evening,” she says. “We met up in a little bar and hit it off straight away.” After dinner the two of them settled down in another bar and chatted for hours … before ending up in bed together. “I was so embarrassed about in the morning,” she sighs - so embarrassed that she didn’t get back in touch with Alex: “I was just so worried that he’d think I was a slut.”
As PARSHIP psychologist Sabine Wery von Limont explains: “That’s quite a typical reaction when you’ve made a bit of a mistake. If someone tells me about a ‘mistake’ of that kind, I actually start off by asking whether they enjoyed it at the time.” Her professional advice is that you should take responsibility for your own actions, and if you don’t feel good about your behaviour, talk about it openly and clarify the situation. If you just keep quiet about it, that doesn’t mean it never happened. Don’t put excess pressure on yourself, but if you had a good time, there’s not a lot of point in being ashamed about it now. When you think about it, there is in fact no reason why sex on a first date should preclude the possibility of a serious relationship based on mutual respect.
Cold feet?
Leonard (54) arranged to meet Julia (48) at a hotel halfway between their homes. “When I told her I would book two single rooms, she suggested I should book a double, saying we weren’t living in the 1950s.” Leonard felt quite comfortable with the suggestion that they should spend the night together, but two days later Julia wrote to him to say it was all moving too quickly and then broke off contact with him. He found this all rather confusing, wondering what he had done wrong. What is Sabine Wery von Limont’s view on the situation? “Well, Leonard isn’t really the one with the problem,” she says. “Julia overstretched herself.”
If you arrange a date, think carefully about how far you would be prepared to let things go. Many people start off feeling very confident and then get cold feet. Julia should have defined clearer limits for herself, and Leonard should have stuck to his original plan. If he’d have booked two rooms, then no-one would have been put under pressure. If there had been a mutual attraction on the date, they could have discussed the next step face to face. There is no point in working on assumptions before you meet - it can raise unrealistic expectations and cause damaging tensions.
Saying too much
When Maureen (36) met Mark (40) for a first date, she found herself telling him all about her life. “I’d had a few glasses of wine, and out it all came!” … Her difficult relationship with her father, her broken marriage, her nervous breakdown. “There really wasn’t anything I left out,” she says. “Mark tried to change the subject a few times, but I was on a roll. I liked him and felt I wanted to be totally open with him.” The trouble was, she ended up scaring him off. “If someone appeals to you, don’t feel tempted to let it all hang out immediately,” advises Sabine Wery von Limont, who says you need to exercise judgement on the right moment to discuss certain subjects, “Many people don’t give themselves enough time to get to know each other,” she continues. A relationship needs to be built carefully over a suitable period of time. But what if you’ve committed some kind of faux pas? Well, Maureen had the courage and good sense to call Mark and tell him that she had run away with herself because she felt so comfortable with him – and that he wouldn’t get another evening like that from her.
Not as bad as you think
If you feel you’ve told someone more than they needed to know, do something about it. The chances are that the situation is not as irretrievable as you might think. Everyone makes mistakes - we’re all only human, after all. It could even be something the two of you will have a laugh about in the future. “Don’t give yourself too hard a time about it,” suggests Sabine Wery von Limont. “You should apologise, if you feel that’s appropriate, and resolve to be a bit more careful about what you say and do from now on. And if the other person feels that the only option is not to make any further contact, don’t take it too badly. As Von Limont says: “If that’s the case, then it probably wouldn’t have worked anyway.”